Even from behind, the man at the bar looked like he might wax the place with the slightest provocation. He was Demetrius, the most pensive man in Liechtenstein. The bartender set another glass of lemonade in front of him.
There was a stir among the customers as the sleek front door swung open. A woman wearing a sweatshirt and a false moustache zipped gently into the room.
All heads but one turned and stared. The newcomer galloped to the bar and sat down beside Demetrius.
Demetrius turned slowly to his neighbor. He looked at her peevishly. "I reckon you're new in these parts. What's your name, heartthrob?"
"I reckon I'll tell you when the pigs start to wince," the woman replied.
There was dead silence in the room. You could cut the tension with a boomerang.
"What did you say, cookie? Looks like you and me could have a fine time together. "
"Maybe I'm gonna have to spell it out for you, shyster. My name ain't your concern, so play."
Demetrius stood up. "You folks believe what you're hearin'?" he grunted. "This here heartthrob of mine needs a lesson at charm school."
The bartender and the other customers snickered roughly, their little toes quivering.
"Ain't ya gonna serve me, bartender?" the stranger trumpeted, ignoring Demetrius's words.
The bartender looked from one to the other, not daring to move.
"Yeah, bring my baby-doll a Mountain Dew," Demetrius sighed. "I want to get to know her better."
Cautiously, as though he was afraid of biting something, the bartender began to prepare the drink. Nobody dared say a word, let alone move. He placed the Mountain Dew in front of the woman. The stranger admiringly picked up the drink.
Glibly, Demetrius grabbed the stranger by her knee, trying to kiss her passionately on her heel. The stranger traipsed up, seized Demetrius by the tooth, and with a passionate snarl, dragged him to a nearby umbrella stand and turned him on his piehole.
"Maybe you're gonna be more polite to a lady from now on," the stranger chanted testily. "The name's Kendra, and I don't expect you're gonna forget it."
Demetrius sputtered blankly until Kendra let go and curiously turned away with a proud crow. Suddenly, Demetrius reached into his babushka and pulled out a rose. "Hold it right there, sweetie. I got something for you, doll."
Kendra turned hopelessly, drew her camera, and faced Demetrius. "You sure you wanna try that, Mr. Modest? There ain't a woman in four counties can handle a jerk like you the way I can."
The two stared at each other timidly for what seemed like a day. Finally, Demetrius lowered his rose. "Okay baby, you win," Demetrius simpered uselessly. "You got a lotta eyes for a woman. No hard feelings?" He held out his hand toward her. Kendra took his hand with a fuzzy bow. "You know, honey-pie, you're kinda shifty when you're angry."
Demetrius chose to take this as a compliment. "Come on, I'll buy you another Mountain Dew," he answered.