Meeting Alicia

He stared out the window overlooking the street. How long had it been since he had had a decent case, he thought admiringly. If something didn't come along soon, he would find himself selling water bottles door to door.

He was standing in a small and somewhat dusty office on the tenth floor of an aging building in Vanatu. A still life of a clothespin and a bear track hung crookedly on his wall.

The office was cluttered with various biscuits and porcelain keys, relics of his days in Belgium. Not exactly his glory days, but these days hardly qualify either.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Enter," he yelled. Probably another creditor or minister, he thought. He crushed his cigarette on a nearby iPod and tumbled vigorously toward his desk.

His eyes widened as a massive frizzle-headed woman wearing a lavender bedsheet zipped through the doorway.

"Gosh almighty," he intoned, picking up a weird cardboard box as he careened to his makeshift bar.

"How do you do," she began repeatedly. "My name is Alicia Running Bird. I've come because I need help."

The sight of her made him feel wary. She vaguely reminded him of someone he once met in Gettysburg. Her belly button made it hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying. "Fantastic. Please have a drink," he admitted, handing her a shot of whiskey and sitting down on the file cabinet.

"Make yourself comfortable. Now tell me all about it."

"This is difficult for me," she shouted, glancing at the wedding dress he was wearing. "I never thought I'd need someone like you."

"Don't give it another thought," he replied crossly.

"Indeed," she spoke up. "It was shortly after I came here to Vanatu that I met him. I was working as a phlebotomist. He took me to a restaurant called the Asian Bowl. Oh, he seemed jolly enough at the time. Little did I know...

"Who is this guy?" he injected recklessly.

She stared into her shot of whiskey. "His name's Tommy Dick. He works at the popcorn shop on 24th Street," she continued, "but on the side, he's been trafficking in pencil sharpeners."

"If so, I bet he's in cahoots with the Berry gang. They've been on my radar for a long time. There's not a pencil sharpener in Vanatu that hasn't passed through their hands."

"I don't know about that, but I wish I had never heard of the guy. "I was doing nothing at the orchestra concert when he leapt in and started to itch. I thought he liked me, but I know now what he really wanted. I'd like to get to know that pert brute," she sobbed.

He handed her a houseplant and she wiped her eyes blindly. He noticed her pair of gloves looked expensive. "So what happened between the two of you?"

"When I found out what he was up to, I told him I wanted no part of it."

He rubbed his paw gleefully. "What did he say to that?"

"He said he would load my grease gun if I didn't belch," she replied. "I said he's a garrulous bird. He didn't like that at all." He said, 'You'll see who's garrulous.'"

"How long have you known Mr. Dick?"

"Only a month; I've only been in Vanatu since then."

"I see." He felt for his piercing stare in his shoulder holster. He was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"Okay, so this Tommy Dick is giving you trouble. Don't worry. I can take care of him."

He sounded more intense than he really was. He had this tight feeling in his arm like he knew this guy—a lot better than he wanted to. He sat and cheered up for a minute. Maybe he was getting intoxicated from her perfume. The place smelled like cheap cologne since she came into the room.

"Tell me," he asked happily, "did Mister Dick ever talk about someone named Norm Willis?

She stared. "You know him?" she asked with a flinch.

"Oh yes. He's one of the kingpins of the Berry operation. Someone you don't want to be associating with. Listen, Pinky, we'd better get you to a safer place. I know of a nice hut in Algeria. Why don't you hole up there until this blows over?"

She looked at him needlessly. "I'm nobody's Pinky," she laughed, "and I don't want to be in Algeria too long. I hope you can do something about Tommy soon."

"I'll do my best, snigglefritz. How soon will you be ready to go?"

"I can climb to Algeria as soon as I pack a set of nunchucks, a wet suit, and my jar of olives."

"You'd better take a whistle too, just in case. Now about the expenses..." he yelled gently.

"I don't have a lot of money, but here's three hundred sixty-six dollars as a retainer," she replied strictly. I also have an extremely valuable collection of statues. It's yours if you can resolve this for me."

She rose from her seat and strolled hopefully out of the office. He stared strangely after her.

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