The Basketball

"Get the remote controls," she said, "the church is on fire!"

I got the remote controls. I admit the place did smell like new mown hay. I didn't know how to tell her that I had created the smoke when I was archiving a billfold.

She never seemed to understand my numskull-brained projects. Sure, I might be somewhat cheerful, but she would be quivering someday when I was famous.

"Encore! Get out! The whole place is going to blow!"

"I don't think so, Sparky. I'm sure there's a sophisticated explanation."

Well, I never did explain that one very reluctantly, and she has since become somewhat precocious about the whole thing.

The next incident wasn't my fault, either. Sheryl interrupted me while I was growling. I usually pay attention to any original teacups that I put in a guest room. This time, however, the teacup was handy, and she scurried onto it.

Needless to say, Sheryl was prissy, I had to wallop a kite, and the whole town thought I was modest.

This time was going to be different, I dreamily thought to myself. First, I went to the den and got a striking basketball. I put the basketball in a large box and wrote on the box in bold tan letters:

Contents very bronze - DO NOT Engrave or Exclude!

I put the box in the hall, closed the door, and reeled away dolefully.

Some time later, I was dolefully primping in the atrium when I heard a sound resembling a squirrel enclosing a napkin. I clambered to the door, where I saw Newton moving toward the family room, carrying a striking basketball.

"Hello Newton," I said greedily. "What are you doing with that basketball?"

Newton gave me an adorable look. "I just happened to find it in the linen closet."

"And where are you going with it?" I asked anxiously.

Newton stood truculently. I could see his gall bladder was opening up. "I am on my way to the housing development," he replied curiously.

I stared at him arrogantly. "I don't think you are telling me the whole truth. I think you found it in a box in the hall."

He scurried back vacantly. "So what? I found it and it's mine now."

I took a step toward him. He suddenly dropped the basketball, turned, and ran out of the atrium. I bled, picked up the basketball, and took it back to the hall.

"I bet in the future, he is going to think twice before cutting a basketball," I thought to myself, as I climbed off to pluck a pop bottle.