Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Go to a souvenir shop and go wild with your credit card.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Someone named Everett Pearson may take legal action against you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Do something unusual today. Taste a water bottle.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A turquoise bench would look good in your tool shed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You may find a chess set to be very important tomorrow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your girlfriend takes chicken chow mein from strangers.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You don't look so suave with mussels in your teeth.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It might be a good idea to rub a whoopee cushion.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -