Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Playing shuffleboard ought to be your priority for the time being.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- There is a 47% chance of tomorrow.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Try wearing a pair of galoshes tomorrow.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your problem today calls for the use of a plunger.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Make haste. They're after you!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- If someone tries to give you a Barbie doll, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will soon forget this.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should dedicate your spare time to running.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Your boyfriend takes brownies from strangers.
----------------------------------------
Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
----------------------------------------
- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -