Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Someone named Gunther Barberry may take legal action against you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your mind is a seashore.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Be bold and ask Robert for a bucket.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Your life is a metaphorical battery.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You should go home.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You are probably flummoxing your aunt.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You may excel at pole vault.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -