Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You might try laser surgery.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Your life is a metaphorical basket.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Excellent day for putting nails on an overstuffed chair.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Someone named Isabel Lions may take legal action against you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Consider carrying an accordion for your protection.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You feel the need to fall back on your solitary ways.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Consider carrying a pillow for your protection.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- It's safest to stay in your room today.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing she tells you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Take care of your carotid artery; no one else is going to do it for you!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -