Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Better ease up on the squash blossom soup.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- My, my, look at you!
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Someone named Bethany Zing may take legal action against you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a cow, the tail of a dinosaur, and the face of a weasel.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You should study the history of Belgium.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good day to bond with a camel.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Be on the lookout for a lemur rancher carrying a pickle.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You have nothing to gain by greeting Georgina.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -