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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Better ease up on the squash blossom soup.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- My, my, look at you!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Someone named Bethany Zing may take legal action against you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You will be attacked by a beast that has the body of a cow, the tail of a dinosaur, and the face of a weasel.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- You should study the history of Belgium.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- This is a good day to bond with a camel.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Be on the lookout for a lemur rancher carrying a pickle.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- You are hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour. Do not try to get off.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- You will continue to interpret vague statements as uniquely meaningful.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Be wary of aphorisms, maxims, proverbs, and fortunes.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- What you said yesterday was wacky.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You have nothing to gain by greeting Georgina.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -