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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- If someone tries to give you a bottle of painkillers, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Doubtful.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Be on the lookout for an X-ray technician carrying a pen.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- Don't beat your head against the wall.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Take your time and think it over.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Don't beat your head against the wall.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Enlist the services of a dog walker as soon as possible.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Sig thinks you're acting like a hermit crab.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- Better not look too closely at today's news.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -