Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- It is probably a good time for an apology.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You could be a successful stamp collector.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Signs point to no.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Better pay them whatever they demand.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Wear a bib so you don't get water on your shirt.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You look so modest when you wear a carrot-orange T-shirt.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Go outside. Look around until you find a worn bear track. Take twenty-one paces southwest, then thirty-one paces to your left. Sit down there.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Go outside and gather a basket of springs. Give them to Matthew.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You will look suave wearing a golden class ring.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- What you said yesterday was wacky.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Did you get overlooked when they were handing out eyebrows?
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -