Rewrite this story

Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Whatever you try is certain to be a long shot.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Someone named Gunther Barberry may take legal action against you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- Your mind is a seashore.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Be bold and ask Robert for a bucket.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Your life is a metaphorical battery.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- Do not overtax your powers.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- You should go home.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You are probably flummoxing your aunt.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- You may excel at pole vault.

----------------------------------------

Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

----------------------------------------

- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -