Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You're not done yet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You may run into Louie at a craft store.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You will be understood by everyone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- You might want to take a grease gun to your pair of binoculars.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- It's a good time to go shopping for a hot potato.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Stay tuned for more sappy banality.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You will outgrow your turtleneck.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Your aim is high and to the left.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Consider quitting your present job and becoming a quarantine inspector.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Do not let schooling interfere with your education.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -