Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Don't you have something better to do?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Wear a bib so you don't get kidney beans on your shirt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Your name will appear in tomorrow's news.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You have won first prize in a beauty contest. Collect $50.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Graaawk!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You never belonged in the Communist Party anyway.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your mind is a jungle.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Paint a still life of a corsage and a cedar tree.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Where do you go from here?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You may excel at beach volleyball.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Hot diggety dog!
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -