Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- A sincere stranger wearing an ancient sea green ribbon may begin to smack you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- You might find a rhinoceros in your family room.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- The power of brashness makes us vile.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Consider carrying a wooden stake for your protection.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If it seems like fate is against you today, it probably is.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Don't look now, but there is a wallaby stalking you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- You should earn a degree in Samoan.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- You might want to take a mallet to your package.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -