Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- Someone named Bubbles Bradley may take legal action against you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Ask a friend for a flashlight.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You might try aversion therapy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Go to dinner at Kyoto Pond.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- This is a good time to paint the parlor salmon.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- If you frustrate a window washer, you will regret it later.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Your new relationship is most likely to thrive at a considerable distance.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Keep trying; something's got to give eventually.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- You may excel at Chinese checkers.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Wear a bib so you don't get chicken on your shirt.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -