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Your Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

- Playing shuffleboard ought to be your priority for the time being.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

- Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

- You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

- There is a 47% chance of tomorrow.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

- Is this some sort of joke?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

- Try wearing a pair of galoshes tomorrow.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

- Your problem today calls for the use of a plunger.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

- Make haste. They're after you!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

- If someone tries to give you a Barbie doll, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

- You will soon forget this.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

- You should dedicate your spare time to running.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

- Your boyfriend takes brownies from strangers.

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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.

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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -