Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- If someone tries to give you a bottle of painkillers, you should politely refuse. You don't need one at this stage of your life.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Doubtful.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- Be on the lookout for an X-ray technician carrying a pen.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Take your time and think it over.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- Don't beat your head against the wall.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- Are you sure this is what you ought to be doing?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Enlist the services of a dog walker as soon as possible.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Sig thinks you're acting like a hermit crab.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Your supervisor has forgotten about you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- Better not look too closely at today's news.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -