Aries (March 21 - April 19)
- You feel the need to fall back on your merry ways.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
- Do not overtax your powers.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
- You should earn a degree in rocket science.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
- Expect a call from the U.S. Senate.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
- Paint a still life of a shoe and a fern.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
- You will soon begin to swing.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
- You will be seeing Mary Lou pretty soon.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
- Paint a still life of a notepad and a raspberry bush.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
- Next Monday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
- Is this some sort of joke?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
- Suck it up, buttercup.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
- It's a good time to go shopping for an acorn.
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Note: If you don't understand your horoscope, it is obviously metaphorical, and you need to figure out what it means. If something doesn't come true, you must have the wrong metaphor.
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- Many items taken or adapted from Fortune, open-source licensed under BSD. -